Got on the scale...

January was a very crappy month for the most part, glad to be done with it and moving on with the new year. On the 1st I did step on the scale. I hate that part so much, well, not so much this time cause the results were good; but it it so scary cause I would be devastated if I saw little to no change. I lost 13 pounds this month!!! That felt good, makes that goal not seem so far away and I know what I am doing is working. I have not slowed down either, still working hard at the gym as often as I can and loving how I feel after my workouts. I am fitting into all my jeans again and feeling pretty and sexy. I cannot wait for the weather to get nice and to be able to get outside and run hopefully as much as I can, I miss it so much, the treadmill just doesn't cut it!

 I was hanging out with a friend today and came to a realization after a conversation with her about how we looked at different points in our lives, she used to be this tiny little perfect model body type and now after having babies she is still gorgeous and I am totally jealous of her skinny little body but she obviously has changes to her body after pregnancy. We looked at pictures of me before I had kids (soooo long ago) and I never ever was small, never had tiny little skinny legs or a perfect bikini body but I was not fat. I am really screwed by my height, I will forever and always have these short and stubby legs and half a torso. I don't even really know where I am going with this but I guess I have to realize my goal can't be unrealistic. I know I will be happy when the extra weight is gone and that I am beautiful at whatever weight I am at. 

Valentine's day is tomorrow, such a dumb day. I would rather get flowers or a card on a random day any other day of the year for a random sweet reason, not cause it is being forced by some day that doesn't even make sense. Single or not this day for me is just a special little day for the girls, they are my valentines. The girls like it and I love seeing them get excited about anything. Though I did get a great date on Friday but it wasn't specifically for valentine's day, but he sure did spoil me and we had a great time. Well another week starting tomorrow, I really dislike Mondays but I am happy we are back on a regular schedule. Taking things a day at a time and trusting God with all that there is to come.

I didn't eat a Donut!!!

Dear Lord please help me this week! I am just a mess lately, got my mind on so many things and trying to get my life more and more organized. My grandpa passed away last week and while it was very hard and sad it was a great time with family and celebrating a very wonderful grandpa who is now where he is happy and healthy and back with grandma =)

So I have been doing so good, better then when I started back in '08! I am not cheating, I have not had a girl scout cookie, not one! There was a big box of donuts sitting in the kitchen at work today and I wasn't even tempted, got a little hungry at the end of the day so I ate my orange, sorry, I am just proud of myself. I have been hitting the gym every day except for Sunday and it is seriously the best drug ever. I feel so sore and tired but so great and my clothes are all fitting again. There are lots of frustrations though; I hate the mirrors at the gym! In my SET class I have to watch myself way too much and I hate it, but at least I am there doing it even though I feel like the biggest person in the room.

So I got to the doctor, got my meds, got to the eye doctor and got contacts (amazing difference btw) and though my house is now a whole new project I am working hard and keeping so busy. After getting my contacts I realized a lot of things. I can't believe my eyesight was THAT bad. I literally could not see the writing on the walls. Yeah, Emma had written on the walls and I couldn't see it before. I could not see how badly my carpet needed cleaned and floors cleaned. So I have been taking little sections at a time. Cleaned spider webs I had never seen, cleaned the kitchen top to bottom, including behind the fridge (nasty) and now on to much more.

I think I mentioned before that I got my taxes done and now by February I will be debt free, with a new savings account. It will be so nice to have that pressure lifted. I am praying a lot though and thinking way too much. I don't know what anyone really thinks about me getting a tummy tuck but it has been on my mind more and more. I am so frustrated and I don't want it to seem like a vanity thing but I think after all that I have done and been through and after all the hard work I deserve this. More than deserve it, I have to do it. It scares me though for many reasons but I think it would really fix my body issues so much and just make me a newer person with much more confidence. And it isn't for anyone but me, I want to look in the mirror and be happy that I lost so much weight, not frustrated that losing so much weight made everything in the middle look like playdough hanging there (sorry tmi)!

The plan is to keep on track, will get on the scale next week though I do NOT want to at all, if I don't see a big difference it will just be hard but I will never give up, I am doing this thing and doing it for good this time, never going back, I will not be a yo-yo dieter, I have one yo and will never do it again!

I am not a Patient Person!!!

Why can't I be like the biggest loser people who have lost so many pounds in just 2 weeks? Oh yeah cause I can't live at the gym all day with personal trainers, dang it! I am seeing results though, jeans fitting that wouldn't go on before and just this amazing strong feeling that I have. I will not step on the scale though, just my thing, but I am excited to at the end of the month to see how far I have come.
I registered for the Rock the Parkway 5K on April 2! I just had to get online and do it, now there is no looking back, can't wait to get back out there, I used to love how it felt to run those races I did back in 2009, don't know why I got so lazy last year, no excuses. First this one 5K and then a 10K in June, that is the plan.
Also got my taxes done already, with some help and have so much to look forward to, going to be debt free to start the year. If you read my past blog I talked about getting an abdomnioplasty (tummy tuck) it is still in my future but I now have a plan. I am using some of my tax return to add to my tummy tuck fund. The goal is to get to 140 pounds and then I can take that money and finance the surgery cause it is not even an option, it is a must for me. To work this hard and look worse when I look at myself in the mirror is just not OK with me. So it may not be till next year or whenever I have the time to recuperate but it will be done. I don't think it is a vanity thing either, I deserve it and will love myself so much more than I already do right now.
I am really proud of myself, I have been doing great with taking meds, eating really well and watching my calories. I just wish it went faster but I know that is not how it works. I do have a cheat day but even then I am doing so much better than before, maybe extra carbs that day but then I just work extra hard at my work out, plus I couldn't make it to the gym on Monday cause we were literally snowed in and I got out my P90X and did Kenpo and the Ab DVD! I know I haven't been at it long but this is my new lifestyle and I love the way I feel so I am not going back =)

Life is a Roller Coaster, cliche, yep, sure is!

What an up and down week for me, so many emotions, can I just have one week of peace? Thankfully the best drug for me is the way I feel at the gym, so it really makes me want to go. I have muscles aching and having a hard time sleeping cause I wake up in pain but I know the end results are totally worth it all.

I did make it to that doctors appointment this week and it went really well. I was able to get my prescription and a plan for keeping up with my thyroid! Best part, for the first time EVER I weighed less on the office scale than I did on my home scale. Hoping that it means I lost the weight but I have a rule about stepping on my home scale, won't do it till at least 3-4 weeks after stepping on it once. I get too depressed if I see just 1 or 2 pound changes, if you wait longer then you see bigger numbers, hopefully, crossing fingers. 

I am, in fact, sitting here right now wishing that I could be at the gym, very frustrating that the kids club isn't open on Sundays. It is the best way to get out my frustrations, which I have quite a few of right now. So here I go on another week, tomorrow is my lift and step class  and I can't wait to sweat this all off.

My biggest thing about eating right now is reading labels, when I look at something that I want to eat I read the label first and it stops me in my tracks cause then I think how long that would take to work off on the treadmill and it becomes not worth it at all. And I am very glad that I did not order girl scouts cookies! Yeah me! 

I am actually really excited right now, so happy to be back on track and am loving getting my life together, if anyone has advice, ideas, observations on everything, organizing kids, organizing my house, my life please help me out! It is time for this girl to get her life in order once and for all!

Beautiful

I heard this song on my radio station today and just stopped in the midst of my day and heard the words God needed me to hear right now. It is a song by Mercyme called Beautiful. Amazing how He speaks to us sometimes =)

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to fight
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His!

It's a brand new year!

I guess what I do when I have a lot on my mind is blog. I did have another blog I started back in 2008 but for some reason I can't access it and add to it but I figure now is as good a time as any to start a new one. I started the one back in '08 asking for help, support and motivation cause I was on a mission to make a better and healthier new me. I used that blog and a lot of hard work and was able to lose more than 70 pounds. So I come to you today sad and a bit ashamed cause I am now openly admitting that I let myself go. I absolutely hate to admit that I went from my smallest in the 140's and am now back up to 179, there I said it, the scale said it and I cried. Still not the 220 I was back a long time ago, but had I kept going I wouldn't be surprised. I could make a bunch of excuses but I just got content and lazy.

A big obstacle I have is my thyroid disorder hypothyroidism (https://health.google.com/health/ref/Hypothyroidism). I have to admit that I have been lazy on a lot of levels lately and procrastinated a lot, NOT ANYMORE! I made the excuse that I no longer have health insurance so I couldn't get a prescription for the meds that I need. Also my contacts are really old and the wrong prescription so my sight has gotten worse and worse. Well as of this week, the first week of the new year, I have an appointment to get my thyroid checked and get meds and an appointment to get new contacts! Also working on getting a lot of things in my life more organized in my life from my bills, to taxes, to my house. Also applying for assistance to go back to school one of these days =)

So back to the plan. I started out with a bang and am pretty happy right now. I haven't been eating well at all in the past months but that has already completely changed. I haven't had much of an appetite since the new year started so I have already shrunk my stomach and been doing amazing on my eating, not cheating at all and enjoying the food I do eat, just a lot less of it. Started back to the gym on Monday, along with all the other resolutioners. I did a pretty tough class and was hurting today but still went back in to work out for another hour. Will be back tomorrow for another group class, same for the rest of the week. I only get Sundays off from the gym just cause the childcare is only open during the time I go to church, otherwise I would be there. SO! I will get on my meds, even gonna probably do the Alli plan again, it seemed to help a lot last time. Hit the gym as much as possible and get back into my skinny clothes and I have this sexy pair of jeans that are my ultimate goal, they are just sitting in my room where I can see them. Gonna print out some skinny and fat pictures of myself and put them all over for motivation.

Please keep me in your prayers and keep me held accountable to this whole thing. I am not a slacker anymore, come too far to go back to the way things were. I am excited to see what God has in store this year. More to come, you will be seeing that number get less and less!